Anxiety: Turning off the "musak" in my head

I have been somewhat open about my struggles with anxiety in the past.  One of the reasons is to fight the stigma that counseling is for the weak and that anxiety/depression are not "real" disorders.  I think of my grandparents and great grandparents who struggled with various mental ailments and did not (and in some respects could not) get the help they needed.  It was not available nor acceptable in their social circles.  I feel we have a ways to go, but I am grateful to see the church being more open to addressing it and offering support.   Last summer my anxiety was high most of the summer due to various circumstances.  I am grateful that has not been the case this summer.  These are some thing I learned in the past few years.

A couple years ago Rob and I took our dream vacation—a second honeymoon to the island of Saint Maarten in the Caribbean.  From swimming in the warm ocean water to sampling all you can eat meals to not having much of a schedule, we enjoyed everything about that vacation.

 On our return home, we arrived at Los Angeles Airport in the evening hours. We had an early morning flight to Portland the following morning.    It did not make sense money wise and time wise to book a motel room only to leave a few hours later for the airport.  So we found a quiet place in the terminal and slept…or at least tried to.  It was not the hard floors, the lack of a comfortable pillow, or the bright fluorescent lighting that kept us awake…though that did not help.  What aggravated us the most was the elevator music or “muzak” playing over the loud speakers.  (FYI: muzak is defined as: recorded light background music played through speakers in public places)

Attempting to sleep in the terminal of LAX

During the daytime as you endure the hustle and bustle of LAX, you would never notice the “muzak” playing.  It blends in the other airport noises of conversation, suitcases dragging, and flight announcements.  But at 3:00 AM the muzak is clearly heard whether you want to listen to it or not.

This is how I can best describe anxiety:  unwanted, somewhat annoying, loud muzak blaring in your brain twenty four hours a day when it is supposed to be in the background.  It drowns out the other pleasant and realistic thoughts.   All you can hear is this annoying music and you lack the ability to shut it off.  It then turns you into an annoying, paranoid, or unpleasant person…even if you have no intention of acting that way.

Anxiety is not enjoying a day with your family at the beach because you are constantly worried if everyone is having a good time.  You are too focused on what everyone should be doing next that you cannot enjoy what you are doing right now.  Or one tiny thing goes wrong such as forgetting towels or the kids fighting or making a wrong turn and getting lost for a half hour. It turns on the anxiety in your mind.  Little things become blown out of proportion.  It is like throwing a tiny pebble at a window causing the whole thing to shatter.

Anxiety always tells you what you should be doing or what you are not doing.  Or what you don’t have and what you should have.  Or worse, what others have that you want. Or even worse, what they have been invited to (and you have been excluded).  Anxiety makes you believe you are not a good mom or dad or person in general because you aren’t doing what the mom or dad or friend down the street is doing. 

It would be convenient and helpful if we could simply push an “Off” button in our brain completely shutting down the “anxiety musak.”  How much burden would be removed! We could move throughout our day in peace.  Over the years I have found many things that help such as counseling, cognitive therapy exercises, journaling, having a “mentor” friend, talking to a friend or family member who struggles with similar symptoms, exercise, gardening, and reducing my schedule on “anxiety” days.

 

All those things still don’t completely turn the “anxiety musak” off.  It is still there in some form.

The underbelly of anxiety is a fear of losing control.  It is paranoia that everything will fall apart, or something or someone will overtake us.  It is a genuine feeling that everything will not be OK and we are unable to handle whatever darts are thrown at us.

 

There is hope. I found it in spelled out in a few verses I memorized in fifth grade. I only grasped the meaning when I was dealing with high anxiety a couple summers ago.

What then shall we say in response to these things?  If God is for us, who can be agaist us?  He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, freely give us all things?  (Romans 8: 31 & 32)

If I trust God and give complete control to Him, nothing can stand against me.  Nothing can overpower me.  The “anxiety musak” which keeps singing its annoying renditions about the bad things that might happen fades away.  

God gave us His Son.  He gave us EVERYTHING.  So why do not I trust He will work things out according to His good. (Romans 8:28). If He washed away my sins completely with the sacrifice of His son, why do I think the worst is going to happen?  Why do I assume I am doomed if Jesus already went to the cross (i.e. “doom”) for me?

Each day is an adventure.  Living with anxiety or any mental health ailment is not always easy. We plan, schedule, and make to-do lists. We do everything in our power to avoid pitfalls and setbacks.  Ultimately God leads us on a detour or blocks the road we are trying to turn onto.  We have to ease our way into new territory trusting He we will help us find the way.

Think about anything and everything that causes anxiety.  It could be as small as the cat peeing on the towels in the laundry room to as large as a friend being diagnosed with cancer. What if we saw these as obstacles and even opportunities to grow as children of the Lord?  It does not mean we should not "feel."  Disappointment, sadness, grief, frustration, and even anger are normal actions to many situations in life. Denying these feelings is not healthy. 

If we give our burdens to the Lord and know He is bigger than the anxiety that plagues our minds, we may find ourselves walking in peace.  Walking in peace in the midst of utter chaos is how I like to describe it. It might not completely stop the “anxiety musak” but it will fade to the background.

 I know anxiety will always be a part of me and “my story.” Like many health problems, it goes into what you could describe as a "remission."   It waxes and wanes and be triggered by events or situations.  Sometimes it is a result of hormones, stress, lack of sleep, or fatigue. It can be seasonal and be affected by changes in the weather. With God’s grace and providence, I will fight for my mental health.  I want to encourage other to do the same.