Marriage & Ministry

Marriage, ministry, and family. These three cords weave a complex strand that can be both beautiful and painful. At its very best, the marriage and the family are a both an oasis of safety and security from the demands and pressures of pastoral ministry, and a fuel that motivates, encourages, and strengthens pastoral work. At worst, marriages and families are sacrificed on the altar of ministry success -- leading to pastors who excel in preaching, churches with all the marks of success, while a marriage lays withered, and a family is strained beyond the breaking point. Ministry can be hard on marriage, and troubled marriages can be hard on ministry. When the demands of ministry become overwhelming, sometimes that stress is turned outward -- directed towards those who are the safest places. Sadly, of course, that means that those who are "safest" can bear the brunt of stress. The result can be marital drift -- the life-giving connection between husband and wife begins to fray and separate, and as the weeks and months, and even years pass by, the marriage has been eroded by the demands and pressures of the ministry.

Southwest scenery

And marriage is hard enough work under the best of circumstances. Amy and I have been married 16 years. 16 good years. 16 years with lots of ups, and yes, plenty of downs too. We've been partners in ministry in many ways -- and I couldn't ask for a better partner. But the more miles you put on a marriage, the more important it becomes to perform routine maintenance. To seek and to find rest with one another.

So, to that end, Amy and I spent the better part of a week with Joey & Robyn Coffman, of 1010 Ministries. 1010 is a retreat center located about an hour and a half north of Phoenix, in the western-style town of Prescott, Arizona. The Coffmans have been running 1010 for years now, and it serves as an oasis retreat in the heart of the Arizona desert. Couples in ministry are graced with the time and space to stop and rest, to reconnect, and to recreate.

The swinging saloon doors at
 the Palace Hotel

Southwest cuisine -- delicious!

We arrived after an early morning flight, and made our way to our home for four days. Joey and Robin welcomed us with open arms, and invited us to make ourselves at home. Our kitchenette was stocked with the foods we love, their home and yard were offered to us to make ourselves at home. This was to be our place for Sabbath,  and it surely was. They ministered to us each day with homemade breakfast, with fresh chocolate chip cookies and lattes at night, with a pantry kitchenette stocked with oreos and fresh fruit -- they ministered to us with hospitality that embodied the gospel.  Lunch time and dinner were times to explore the local restaurant options: Gyros at a Greek restaurant; Pizza at Bills -- a local favorite pizzeria, seafood & duck at Prescott Station, an upscale grill, burgers at a Haunted Burger, a burger joint 6000 feet above sea-level, and mudpie at the Palace Hotel, an authentic saloon which, it turns out, has quite a history all on its own.

Our days allowed us time and space to rest. Time on our own included a hike to the top of Thumb Butte, kayaking on Lake Watson, and exploring Jerome, AZ, a former copper-mining town that has since been changed into a tourist Mecca. We had time to snooze, to read, to swim in a pool overlooking desert mesas, or to sit in a jacuzzi.

Our time also included structured sessions for strengthening our marriage. Each morning, and each afternoon, we sat on the patio under the Arizona sun, sipping iced-tea, and sharing purposeful conversation. We invited Joey and Robyn to ask us the hard questions -- and they did, with grace, and with truth. They helped us to navigate some of the tangled areas we've faced, the ground in our marriage that has been tread, re-tread, and re-tread again, sometimes in the past with only limited success. But with empathy and with insight, they challenged us to understand ourselves more, and one another more. They helped us refresh our connection with each other.

Marriage is hard work under the best of circumstances. We come into it with our own expectations, our wounds, our "that's-the-way-I've-'always-done-it's". We have our own ways of expressing -- or not expressing -- our wants and needs. We have our fears and our anxieties -- each one of us. And we all carry these into our marriage, for better or for worse. The beauty of marriage is like the beauty of the gospel -- the purpose is our sanctification. Marriage is designed by God, in part at least, to make us holy. But this is no accident -- we don't drift along in marriage towards growth. We must be intentional about it. We must be purposeful in our growth. Purposeful in our pursuit of the "we" that makes a marriage strong. And to that end, we are both deeply grateful for these 5 days in the desert oasis.

Main street, Jerome, AZ

More of Jerome, AZ

This retreat was gifted to us by Sunnyslope. It may have been the best gift the church has given us. They recognized the need for a healthy marriage for the good of the pastor, and ultimately for the good of the whole church. So let me close with this two-pronged encouragement. First, pastor colleagues: If you are married, one of the best investments you can make is for a healthy marriage. Take the steps you need to take to strengthen your relationship with your spouse. If your marriage is in crisis, fight for your marriage. If your marriage is good, find ways to make it great! Invite another couple in to that sacred space, who can walk with you, mentor you, encourage you, and speak gracious truth into your life. Second, church leaders: If you have any influence in your local church, find out what you can do to support your pastor's marriage. Send them on a retreat. Watch their kids for a long weekend so they can get away. Offer them time off, and financial resources if necessary, to get counseling if there are more serious problems.

Marriage is hard work under the best of circumstances, but done well, marriage is an oasis of life in the midst of ministry.