Six month update
Six months ago our pocket of the the country was blanketed in smoke from ravaged wildfires. We were milking our pool membership to the very last day we could swim outside. The children were sporting new backpacks beginning new adventures in second, fourth, and seventh grade. And our sabbatical was over. Rob was trying to get re-established in his work and ministry again.
I was carrying my phone around as if it were a pager waiting to hear about a placement for the job I was offered last spring. Until this fall, I had not worked outside the home since the year Rob and I lived in northwest Indiana back in 2005. This was before we had children. It took several years including a brief stint of taking veterinary education classes before I figured out what career I wanted. As much as I love dogs and cats, God made it evident over a period of several years that I was to take a job in early childhood education. I still do youth ministry as a volunteer so I get the best of both worlds...that have some similarities as well.
For reasons of confidentiality, I cannot share the details about my job. I can tell you the first few months were not easy.
I felt like I was dealing with a massive amount of anxiety. It felt like a tight ball winding around my stomach every morning when the alarm signaled the beginning of my day. After some helpful conversations with others, I realized I was experiencing a mix of different emotions and blanketing them all as anxiety. After opening up the word "anxiety" a few phrases and "feeling words" come to mind.
First of all the old saying: "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence." That's right...it is only different grass. I traded in the long, slow paced and honestly sometimes lonely days of in home day care with a busy preschool classroom. My new job is anything but boring now. Each day is action packed. Working with a team was an instant cure to my loneliness. It has been many years...twelve in fact...that I dealt with office politics, staff relations, trainings, meetings, and not being able to leave on time. I would not go back to working out of the home regardless.
The second phrase came to me mid fall. When I volunteered at a middle school camp this summer, the speaker shared that, "It is OK to not be OK." At the time I had come from an amazing retreat in Arizona and was embracing a three month sabbatical. There was not much going on in my life that would classify as "struggles" in early July.
This fall I was reminded of that same phrase: "It's OK to not be OK." It's OK to not have all the answers...or hardly any of them for that matter. I have been asking myself, "How can God use me in this place today despite the fact I feel ill equipped? Or things feel out of control? Or there is so much brokenness I don't even where to start?" It's not OK. But it's OK to lay it aside at times. Sometimes I have to in order to regain strength.
Thirdly I dealt with grief. Grieving is such a many faceted emotion. When we say good-bye to something in our lives, we are saying "hello" to something else. When we exit out of a life phase like seeing our last child off to kindergarten, there is much excitement and joy. There is sadness too. An era is over. And it will never return. That is how I felt not being home with my children after school. My husband had to step in and be the "after school parent."
I have had to drop out of ministries and groups due to time restraints. I am probably the least involved at church as what I ever have been. I am doing middle school youth group which I still enjoy, but I cannot do much else beyond that. I miss seeing friends and I have to be more intentional about connecting with them. Sticking with an exercise routine has been challenging. Getting up early to run or go to the gym has not been as easy as it was last year. I have had two GI bugs, several colds, and I lost more pounds from stress last fall than I did on the wellness program I was on last spring.
I have peace because I know I am where God wants me. I see piece by piece how He orchestrated this. It is pretty exciting to be where I am right now even on my bad days.
Some friends asked if we would blog again. We are not blessed with another sabbatical this summer. Those do not come around for several years at a time. However, we do have some trips and adventures planned. We (well at least I do) have extra time for writing and reflecting. So we might re-launch "Away the Fishbowl" in June. However Rob will be immersed deep inside the fishbowl in early June as he is planning on attending our annual Synod of the Christian Reformed Church.
But I will be on summer break and hopefully it will be warmer outside than it is now. This is the first Spring Break that I can remember having a rain/snow mix. You think we were back in Michigan or something.
 |
| First day of school! |
I was carrying my phone around as if it were a pager waiting to hear about a placement for the job I was offered last spring. Until this fall, I had not worked outside the home since the year Rob and I lived in northwest Indiana back in 2005. This was before we had children. It took several years including a brief stint of taking veterinary education classes before I figured out what career I wanted. As much as I love dogs and cats, God made it evident over a period of several years that I was to take a job in early childhood education. I still do youth ministry as a volunteer so I get the best of both worlds...that have some similarities as well.
 |
| My youth group kids playing a game at our kick-off meeting in September |
For reasons of confidentiality, I cannot share the details about my job. I can tell you the first few months were not easy.
I felt like I was dealing with a massive amount of anxiety. It felt like a tight ball winding around my stomach every morning when the alarm signaled the beginning of my day. After some helpful conversations with others, I realized I was experiencing a mix of different emotions and blanketing them all as anxiety. After opening up the word "anxiety" a few phrases and "feeling words" come to mind.
First of all the old saying: "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence." That's right...it is only different grass. I traded in the long, slow paced and honestly sometimes lonely days of in home day care with a busy preschool classroom. My new job is anything but boring now. Each day is action packed. Working with a team was an instant cure to my loneliness. It has been many years...twelve in fact...that I dealt with office politics, staff relations, trainings, meetings, and not being able to leave on time. I would not go back to working out of the home regardless.
The second phrase came to me mid fall. When I volunteered at a middle school camp this summer, the speaker shared that, "It is OK to not be OK." At the time I had come from an amazing retreat in Arizona and was embracing a three month sabbatical. There was not much going on in my life that would classify as "struggles" in early July.
This fall I was reminded of that same phrase: "It's OK to not be OK." It's OK to not have all the answers...or hardly any of them for that matter. I have been asking myself, "How can God use me in this place today despite the fact I feel ill equipped? Or things feel out of control? Or there is so much brokenness I don't even where to start?" It's not OK. But it's OK to lay it aside at times. Sometimes I have to in order to regain strength.
 |
| Trip to Beverly Beach in September |
Thirdly I dealt with grief. Grieving is such a many faceted emotion. When we say good-bye to something in our lives, we are saying "hello" to something else. When we exit out of a life phase like seeing our last child off to kindergarten, there is much excitement and joy. There is sadness too. An era is over. And it will never return. That is how I felt not being home with my children after school. My husband had to step in and be the "after school parent."
I have had to drop out of ministries and groups due to time restraints. I am probably the least involved at church as what I ever have been. I am doing middle school youth group which I still enjoy, but I cannot do much else beyond that. I miss seeing friends and I have to be more intentional about connecting with them. Sticking with an exercise routine has been challenging. Getting up early to run or go to the gym has not been as easy as it was last year. I have had two GI bugs, several colds, and I lost more pounds from stress last fall than I did on the wellness program I was on last spring.
I have peace because I know I am where God wants me. I see piece by piece how He orchestrated this. It is pretty exciting to be where I am right now even on my bad days.
 |
| Derek and I at an obstacle course race in February |
Some friends asked if we would blog again. We are not blessed with another sabbatical this summer. Those do not come around for several years at a time. However, we do have some trips and adventures planned. We (well at least I do) have extra time for writing and reflecting. So we might re-launch "Away the Fishbowl" in June. However Rob will be immersed deep inside the fishbowl in early June as he is planning on attending our annual Synod of the Christian Reformed Church.
But I will be on summer break and hopefully it will be warmer outside than it is now. This is the first Spring Break that I can remember having a rain/snow mix. You think we were back in Michigan or something.
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